Searching

Although I could be fascinated by natural science events, the description, prediction and understanding of natural of natural phenomena, based on observational and empirical evidence was not interesting to me, I suppose because it is too impersonal or objective.

So, at the beginning of my adulthood I was very much interested in everything that related to humanities: anthropology, literature, religion, psychology and history but, most of all, philosophy, which for me was the most significant of all humanities studies, as it put for consideration and discussion the meaning of life that I seek. What do I want to do with the (so little) time I have? What is the legacy I want to leave behind? 

The question on the meaning of life is tremendously personal. It is no consolation that others answer to the question of the meaning of their lives (not as in natural science). The questions posed, such as what is living for, can never be answered for me or on my behalf. Simply cannot. I can be inspired and learn from others actions or narratives of experience presented (in whatever form) to me. But I can never defer to their judgment in this matter, as I do in so many others. For nothing that anyone says or even does can ever, by itself, justify my thinking of the meaning of my life. Delegation which is very much acceptable on pursuit for the truth in impersonal aspects of life would be completely out of place here. The question of how to spend my life, what I want my life to be for, can only be posed to me and I cannot give the responsibility of answering it to anyone other than me – this would be to put the happiness key in someone else’s pocket which makes no sense.

For a quite a big while I’ve been drifting my attention. But the question is always there and although fading away for a while, it came back and crashed me.

So I have been quite focused on this question lately. I’m humble enough to know I’m not better than anybody else, but I’m also wise to know that I’m different from the rest. I get sometimes frustrated because I can’t really seem to find an answer that gives me peace. I keep searching. I believe for me it makes only sense while giving to others. I keep searching for the meaning of my life, for its value, for my impact in others life.

Patricia